Category: Some Humor Some serious

The athiest

By , September 19, 2013 4:50 pm

Subject: Fw: The athiest

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the  same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

She then went back to reading her book

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A woman in a hot air balloon

By , October 6, 2012 6:18 pm

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know? “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and
I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
P RI C E L E S S !!

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An old man, a boy & a donkey

By , June 26, 2012 4:45 pm

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people
who remarked “What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding.”

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked “What a shame…. he makes that
little boy walk.”

So they then decided they’d both walk!

Soon they passed some more people
who remarked “They’re really stupid to walk
when they have a decent donkey to ride.”


So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying “How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.”

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well… Kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day

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OLD FART PRIDE

By , May 11, 2012 1:11 pm

OLD FART PRIDE

I never really liked the terminology “Old Farts” but this makes
me feel better about it.

And if you ain’t one, I bet ya you know one!

I got this from an “Old Fart” friend of mine!

 

OLD FART PRIDE

I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart
receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

  • Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the
    playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at
    attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe
    in them.
  • Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal
    , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The
    Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus
    Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
  • If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will
    apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his
    cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
  • Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when
    walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
  • Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of
    women and children and they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV
    or in movies.
  • Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They
    seldom brag unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
  • It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected,
    not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving
    their country.

    This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of
    responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

    We need them now more than ever.

    Thank God for Old
    Farts!

    Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know.

I was taught to respect my elders….It’s just getting harder to find them.

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CURTAIN RODS—-Priceless

By , May 2, 2012 6:54 pm

CURTAIN RODS—-Priceless

She spent the first day
packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she
had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she
sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she had finished,
she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells
dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the
kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was
bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house
began to smell.

They tried everything;
cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for
dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung
everywhere.

Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a
few days.

And in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.!!!

People stopped coming
over to visit.

Repairmen refused to
work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not
take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even
though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their
stinky house.

Word got out and
eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to
borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the
man and asked, ‘Oh, how are things going’?

He told her the saga of
the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home
terrible and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had
no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of
what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day.

She agreed and within
the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and
his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything
to take to their new home……

And to spite the
ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING,
DON’T YOU ?!?!?

Life…is the hardest
teacher…

it gives you the test
before the lesson, no review, no quiz and then…no retakes.

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Just a little humor to brighten your day!

By , February 29, 2012 9:39 pm

Just a little humor to brighten your
day!

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried
chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone
else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my
favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the
principal’s office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it
again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you
could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do
it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t
like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I
told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

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How Smart Are We?

By , October 25, 2011 8:05 pm
FOR ALL YOU SMART PEOPLE!!!

New High School Exit Exam
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Whichcountry makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.

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Congress-Monkeys-It’s always been that way

By , June 15, 2011 3:50 pm

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.  Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.  The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment… with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth.  Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.  Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask?  Because in their minds…that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Congress operates… and is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

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Some Humour

By , May 18, 2011 6:01 pm

Could this be true?

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And….

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls

become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

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Flour

By , April 1, 2011 7:08 pm

Once I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling
Water to see if the corn was ready.   I missed and my hand went
Into the boiling water….
 
A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the house, just
As I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour…I
Pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it.  He said to keep my hand
In the flour for 10 mins. Which I did.  He said that in Vietnam , this guy
Was on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to
Put the fire out…well, it not only put the flour out, but he never even had
A blister!!!!
 
SOOOO, long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 mins,
Pulled it out and had not even a red mark or a blister and absolutley NO
PAIN.  Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself,
I use the flour and never ONCE have I ever had a red spot, a burn or a blister!
*cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.

   Keep a bag of white flour in your fridge and you will be
Happy you did.  I even burnt my tongue and put the flour on it for about 10 mins.
And the pain was gone and no burn.  Try it!  BTW, don’t run your burn area under
Cold water first, just put it right into the flour for 10 mins and experience a miracle

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